The senseless school shooting that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the small town of Newtown, Connecticut is every parent’s and educator's nightmare. My heart breaks, as I’m sure yours, when I think about those families directly impacted by this tragedy. All of us-including our children-are trying to make sense of the unimaginable. If you’re a parent or a teacher you may be wondering how to talk about this tragedy with your children.
Dr. Michele Borba, a nationally respected author, psychologist, and parenting expert offers the following advice and recommendations:
1. Keep yourself strong
Don’t expect to be able to help allay your kids’ anxiety, unless you’re keeping your own in check. You can tell your kids you’re calm and not concerned, but unless your behavior sends the same message, your words have no meaning. Your kids mirror your behavior. They will be calmer if you are calmer. Turn off the TV. You need to be strong and calm for your children.
2. Talk about the tragedy
Please, please don’t think because your child isn’t talking about the tragedy, that he isn’t hearing about it. He needs to get the facts right – and you’re the best source. My “TALK Model” may help you remember the four important parts to talking about this or any tragedy with your child.
Use T.A.L.K. to Discuss A Tragedy With Kids
T – Talk about the event. Ensure that your child has accurate information and isn’t developing unfounded fears
A – Assess kid’s coping. Every child handles a tragedy differently. There is no predicting. Stay tuned into your child’s feelings and how he deals with the event
L – Listen to where your child is coming from. Use the “Talk Stop. Listen. Talk. Stop. Listen” model-follow your child’s lead
K – Kindle hope that the world will go on despite the horror
Here are strategies that may you use T.A.L.K. as you discuss this tragedy with your child.
~ Plan your chat. This will be a difficult talk, so take time to plan what you want to say to your child. Think through your lines. Anticipate your child’s questions (though you never know what may be asked so be prepared for anything). Planning your discussion will help boost your confidence and make you appear calmer.
~ Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answer. None of us do. It’s okay to tell your child: “I don’t know, but I’ll find that out.” Keep in mind that kids usually ask only what they can understand.
~ Give information in little nuggets–small little doses–instead of a lecture format. Don’t explain more than your child is ready to hear. Don’t give out details that your child doesn’t need to know.
~ Honor the silence. Your child may be trying to process what you’re saying. This is a lot to take in so allow time for your child to process the information. This is a difficult topic.
~ Answer your child’s questions matter-of-factly. You never know what may be asked — or not asked so be prepared for anything. “Why did he shoot those kids?” is one of the toughest questions. Answer based on your beliefs but don’t give kids the view that’s how all people are.
~ Assure safety. A prime concern of children is their own safety. Young kids are egocentric so don’t be surprised if their big worries appear “self-centered” — “What about me?” Let your child know what action your community is taking to assure safety: “The teachers locked down all the schools.” “The police were called.” “The doctors ran to help.” While you can’t promise safety, you can assure your child that everyone is doing everything to keep kids safe because people care.
3. Tune into your child’s feelings
Do know that kids respond to tragic news differently. Follow your child’s lead. Kids need to know that it is okay to share their feelings with you and that it’s normal to be upset. Help her find healthy ways to express his concerns. Do feel free to express your own sorrow or feelings: “Yes, I’m upset.” “I feel so sad for the families.” What’s most important is letting your child know you are available to listen.
4. Point out the heroism
Please draw your child’s attention to stories of heroism and compassion–the teachers, the police, the doctors–everyone in that community who was there to try to help these children. Point out those wonderful simple gestures of love and hope that people do for one another and often are lost in such a tragedy.
5. Help your child learn to grieve
Now is the time to help your child adopt your religious beliefs or instill your values. This will help them cope now but also know how to handle grief on a more personal issue later.
It’s so important to assure your children that there’s more to the world than tragedy and fear. They need to see the world as far more hopeful place. Your actions can make a big difference in helping to send them that message.
